i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize