Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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