im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
