I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
