I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
