If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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