So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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