im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Randomize
