I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
