Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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