I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize