I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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