Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
