i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
