don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
