I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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