Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
