she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize