I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
