fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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