My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
