your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
