Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
FUCK WHALES
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
