I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
