im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
