I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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