I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Randomize
