I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
