Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
