i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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