dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
