what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
