i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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