My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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