My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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