I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
