I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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