Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
