i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
