i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
