I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
