there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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