I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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