I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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