Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
