I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
