It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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