i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
