this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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