she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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