I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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