This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
organizing the empties. That sober.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
