Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
