Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
