i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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