I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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