apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
