I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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