I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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