take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
