Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
