I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
