this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
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