bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
