Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
